Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Let it go

If there's one thing I'm good at, it's anger. I've held onto grudges for decades. Most of them are against my mother. For example, when I was 5 my sister threw up. She received sympathy and a glass of 7-Up. Half an hour later I threw up. I received a roll of paper towels and an order to clean up the mess. My mom said I did it deliberately because I wanted 7-Up, too. I was FIVE! Come on! For those of you doing the math that was 26 years ago and yes, I'm still peeved.

I could go on for days about all of the ways my mom was a bad parent. She manipulated, abused and betrayed me. She blamed others for her actions, often making a church leader or my dad the scapegoat. When her lies unravel she is never capable of apologizing. She's always "sorry you feel that way", never sorry for hurting you.

So yes, I have a lot of anger. It burns inside me and seeps out like a poison. I grind my teeth at night. I get tension headaches. I fight with people and scream profanities in my dreams. I go months without speaking to people who've offended me. I suppose I'm punishing them with my disdain. But I'm getting tired of being angry. I think the fire might be dying.

I wish I could release it all. I don't know how to do that. Part of me wants to hold onto my feelings. I have been wronged! It deserves to be acknowledged. But the 2 people that I need to hear an apology from will never admit their mistakes. Whether it's 10 or 30 years down the road, they will go to their graves smug in their moral superiority. And what will I do then? Do I really want to hang onto my anger for another 30 years? It seems small and petty, somehow.

I don't think I can actively forgive - the forgiveness that was drilled in me at church just seems so cheesy - but I might be able to forget. Maybe I can stop thinking about all of the negative experiences and try thinking of something else instead. Rainbows and unicorns and that kind of crap. I just don't want to care anymore.


Rachel Dear said...

I definitely understand how you feel about the 7-up issue.
Almost a year ago I got food poisoning and was throwing up a lot. When I told mom she said that I was bulimic and doing it for attention, and she KNEW for a fact I was because her "dear friend told her". That's exactly what a sick 17 year old wants to hear.

I didn't know the "sorry you feel that way" reply had been around so long.

As for the anger issues, I suggest taking a kickboxing class- or at least purchasing a punching bag, and for every thing that's happened in your life that you're angry about, punch the heck out of the bag. It does wonders.

I love you!!

Joseph said...

Everytime i have had childhood anger come up and I can't handle it I get tattooed. I deal with physical pain way better than emotional. I have 20. And many more to get. Happily though after I get them I let go of the prompting incident.