Monday, March 30, 2009

It was all in a flash

After a lot of deliberation I decided to take my chiropractor's advice. Today I saw a plastic surgeon about breast reduction surgery. He looked me over, took some measurements and said he'd be willing to operate tomorrow if my insurance agreed to it. He thinks it's *that* necessary. Fortunately I don't have to make an overnight decision. It will be a month at least before the insurance company gives their approval.

I've also decided it's time to get back on the low-carb wagon. I think I've proved my point that sugar + me = phenomenal weight gain. Maybe by putting it out here I'll be better able to commit to staying on my diet. The surgeon said if I lost weight after surgery my chest might look a little deflated - which is fine, I suppose. It's not like things are especially buoyant right now. But I think if I lose even a little weight now I'll have a better outcome than I would if I waited. There are other reasons for getting back on the diet. I feel bloated, I don't bend as well, the health problems that kick-started everything two years ago are coming back... I just can't sit back apathetically any longer. I need to get moving.

As part of my commitment to weight loss, I bought a pair of New Balance shoes tonight. I'm only slightly annoyed to find them online for $5 less than I paid in the store. The moment I saw the purple trim I knew it was love. I barely even heard the salesman say the mesh would keep my feet cool and the ROLLBAR would stabilize my ankles. Yes, they are running shoes and I asked for walking shoes. Yes, they are expensive. I don't care. I am normally so frugal that it will grate on me if I don't use these shoes. I will feel like I wasted money and it will drive me crazy. Oh, the salesman gave me a free T-shirt and a pair of socks with my purchase. I guess that makes up for the $5 overspend.

Wish me luck. If everything works out with my insurance then I think I'll be having surgery sometime between mid-May and early June. That means I'll be fully healed in time to flash Brett Michaels and Joe Elliott at the Def Leppard/Poison/Cheap Trick concert in July. Watch out boys!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Oh great, now I have guilt

If you're wondering how the saga of the boy and the date turned out, it didn't. I canceled about an hour before he was supposed to come over. I've felt horrible ever since. He has been so nice about it! He has apologized twice because *I* feel bad. I keep running into him in the elevator and different places in the building. He sent a text message and said he's sorry if it's awkward for me to see him. Which makes me feel even more guilty.

I think I'm getting a glimpse at the world of manipulative girls and how easy it is to push sensitive boys around. I've considered inviting him out for a movie just to show him I have no hard feelings and he doesn't have to feel bad that I feel bad... but that could make the situation worse. I really shouldn't play with the poor boy. I do feel bad though.

I know I was right not to pursue anything. There were things about him that I couldn't overlook. If I'm going to date someone with a high school education then I need him to make up for it with some kind of drive or passion. He has none. It also seemed like he had something negative to say about everything I brought up; he hates prequels, he thinks blogs are pretentious, he thought Firefly wouldn't have lasted another season (SciFi sacrilege!)... I didn't want to argue with him and it was really starting to bother me to bite my tongue.

With all his flaws, he is a human being and he deserved better than to be dumped minutes before a date. I feel guilty for treating him badly and I suppose I could have gone through with it. I just didn't want to spend an entire evening with him in my house and I really didn't want to deal with him putting the moves on me. Oh well. If I have to wait another ten years for someone to show interest in me I suppose I deserve it after this.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Points for originality

I've been bothered lately with a feeling that I'm not original. Almost everything I love was introduced to me by someone else, and I'm wondering if I really love these things or if I just say I do because I want approval.

This bothers me because I hate to be a copycat. I have deliberately avoided certain things that seemed too trendy. I don't want to be just another person who likes what everyone else does. I have never read Harry Potter or Twilight. Except for a few clips I have never watched American Idol. I refuse to create a MySpace or FaceBook page and I will never own an iAnything or Blackberry.

I'm inconsistent though. I jumped onto the Lost bandwagon and I watch it faithfully every week, even when I think I'll go crazy from not understanding it. I also watch Heroes and several other shows that will be rehashed at work the following day. And I wonder if I watch these shows solely because I want to join the conversations around me.

In the last year I've picked up several new SciFi shows at the encouragement of my brothers. I was talked into buying Firefly and Serenity by one and given the first season of Battlestar Galactica by another. One of them introduced me to Torchwood and Doctor Who. Both encouraged me to watch Stargate SG1. I enjoy all of these shows but I wonder if I subconsciously see them as a bonding opportunity. Do I watch SciFi because I want my brothers to like me?

Ultimately I have the option of taking or leaving everything that I'm introduced to. I suppose not finding it first doesn't automatically place me in the "follower" category. Whether or not it's my intention, finding common interests does help me bond with people. That's not a bad thing. And I don't think I have it in me to fake an interest in anything. So maybe instead of worrying that I only like something because someone else did, I should tell myself I tried it because they liked it and I found I liked it too.

Monday, March 16, 2009

A banner day

This morning (and yesterday morning) I woke up with pain in my lower back. I counted myself lucky that I could even stand up today. Yesterday I spent the day partially hunched over, practicing for when I'm old and need a walker. I even called the chiropractor and left a pathetic message about not being able to bend at the waist. He called me back first thing this morning. I get paranoid about calling in sick so I was at work - moving slowly but still moving. He said he could fit me in at 9 a.m. and I rushed right over.

Twenty minutes later I could barely stand at the reception desk to pay the bill. The chiropractor told me to ice my back for a few minutes every hour and said it would feel better tonight. I debated going back to work to pick up my laptop and take it home but I was in so much pain I didn't want to wait that long to get the ice going. I also thought about my firm, supportive office chair and the saggy couch I had waiting for me at home. No question, I was going to spend the day at work.

So I came home and got my giant flexible cold pack, strapped it around my waist and made my way back to the office. I got there at 9:55, just in time to log into the customer service lines. It turns out 2 of the 3 customer service reps were out sick and their supervisor had a meeting at 10. I normally hate filling in like that but I'd rather be known as a team player than the girl who left work whining about a backache.

An hour later the meeting was over and I got pulled in for a quick chat with my manager. Surprise! I'm getting a raise. We all got a corporate email last month that said (in corporate speak) to not expect a raise this year and to be grateful we weren't getting paycuts like our parent company. To hear that I was getting something after all was really great. It took my mind off the pain for a moment and made me glad again that I decided to tough it out.

My day was filled with other little good bits. The 2nd floor hottie was in the cubicle next door for at least half an hour. It was my cube neighbor's birthday and he came up for cake - twice! The first time I managed to briefly join their conversation. The second time I was out of reasons to pop in so I just walked past and smiled. He smiled back. Yea!

In the middle of the day I took a bathroom break and I finally understood the reason for all my good karma. Somehow in my pain-fogged morning I had managed to perfectly match my shirt to my underpants. Fuschia V-neck, meet fuschia granny panties. If you pull the shirt down far enough it looks like an 80's style Olympics leotard. Awesome.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Independent Film Channel

I'm a girl who hates commercials and feels cheated by TV-edited movies. Unfortunately I'm also a girl who doesn't think HBO is worth the expense, so that leaves me with limited movie options on TV. For the last 8 months I have been recording movies from the Sundance Channel and the Independent Film Channel, with the occasional HBO/Showtime movie thrown in when I had a free trial. I think 90% of those movies are not worth the hours I spent watching them, but at least they were shown uninterrupted and unedited.

However, I think in some cases a little editing would be nice. I have seen more actors full frontal in the last 8 months than I had previously seen in all my 31 years. I'm starting to think total nudity is a rite of passage for actors. I'm sure if you look back far enough, every male actor has got his fruit and nuts out at least once; if not on camera then at least on stage. So here's a list of all the men who have flashed me lately:

American Gigolo - I saw Richard's "Gere"
Close My Eyes - I saw Clive's "Owen"
Color of Night - I saw Bruce's "Willis" (well, I think it was a stunt Willis so maybe I shouldn't count it)
Kinsey - I saw Peter's "Sarsgaard"
Quills - I saw Geoffrey's "Rush"
- I saw James's "Purefoy" and Tobias's "Menzies"
The Dreamers - I saw Michael's "Pitt" (hmm, that one doesn't work so well). I also saw Louis's "Garrel". Ick.
Trainspotting - I saw Ewan's "McGregor"
What the Butler Saw - both of us saw David's "Tennant" (okay, I'll admit I went looking for this one. It's a stage play from 15 years ago and I read on the IMDb boards that there were pictures. Turns out there are!)

Even when I'm not being visually assaulted, most of these movies are dull dull dull. Sometimes I turn them off 20-30 minutes in, only to read on the IMDb that this movie is "beautiful" and "so moving" and "amazingly true to the book" and "my favorite movie of all time". So I think maybe I need to give it another chance and I do. And then I regret it.

Case in point, Love in the Time of Cholera. I was only interested in this movie because the book was so important to Serendipity. I should have known better. I never really liked Serendipity. I suffered through more than two hours of tedium and kept waiting for the beauty and amazement I had been promised. It never came. Instead I saw a Latin American version of Casanova, with prematurely aged actors and a really disgusting and unnecessary scene with prosthetic old lady boobs. It still makes me gag.

My brothers probably just roll their eyes now when they hear I'm watching another IFC movie. I must be a glutton for punishment. Maybe now that spring is here I'll stop recording these duds and do something productive with my time - like exercise. Yeah right.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Blonde Vulcan

I got my hair cut and colored this evening. I hate it. All I wanted were cute side-swept bangs. But then I didn't like how they blended in with the rest of my hair. It was like a helmet. So the stylist made them blockier - and in so doing, she made them much, much shorter. I was near tears when I saw myself. I look like a blonde Vulcan!

I think my eyebrows ran away in shame.

How much did I pay for this debacle? $105. Oh yes, you're looking at $65 in foils and $25 in scissoring, plus a tip. It should have been $110 for a cut, color, and style but I think she gave me a discount because of the obviously missing style.

On the bright side, boys like blondes and sci-fi boys like Vulcans. Maybe I should head to the nearest Trekkie convention, pronto.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

It's not so adorable

A guy at work has a crush on me. He's been awkwardly flirting for days. The sad thing is instead of feeling butterflies I feel embarrassed. I look at this cute young man and think "Are you flirting? I think you are. That's adorable!" and I keep using that word: adorable. That's the only way I can describe him. He's 27 but looks 22. He's 5'8" (maybe 5'9"), curly black hair, blue eyes. Aside from the age and the height and the obvious lack of a British accent he fits my criteria - but I keep thinking of kittens & puppies & bunnies when I should be thinking of hot tubs & candles & chocolate sauce. Not a good sign!

He stopped by to talk to me one afternoon at work. We have a mutual love of science fiction. I asked if he watches Battlestar Galactica. He does but he missed an episode and has fallen hopelessly behind. I have every episode stored on my DVR and I impulsively invited him to come over to catch up on Friday. I gave him my phone number so he could call for directions.

Today he sent me a text message inviting me to join him for taco salad in the cafeteria. I got the message two hours later after lunch with coworkers at Pizza Shoppe. Sorry dude. He stopped by to chitchat this afternoon and I finally got rid of him after half an hour by saying I had to get back to work. He called at 5 to see if I was on the way out so we could talk a bit. He was waiting for me outside. I said I was on my way to the post office and couldn't chat for long. He called again at 5:20 to ask if I made it before the last mail pickup at 5:15. I tried three times to end the call and he finally let me go at 6:15. He said he'd talk to me later. I said he'd talk to me tomorrow - firmly. Oy vey.

Now my internal psychologist is running full tilt. Do I think he's coming on too strong because he is, or is it that years of not being in a relationship/being in a one-sided relationship have warped my idea of normal? Do I just not like him or am I making excuses because I'm afraid of failing? I've been told that I'm too picky. I'm not sure if that person meant "fat girls can't be choosy" or "stop holding guys to ridiculously high standards". Do I look for ways to eliminate every potential boyfriend before he even has a chance, or am I a realist who knows herself too well to waste time on the incompatibles?

There's another guy at work that I've been eyeballing for several months. He's 6'2", in his early 40s, purrrrrr... I can't describe him any further. THAT is how a gal should feel about a guy she's dating. If *he* wanted to call me and talk for hours I would drop everything. He's a friend of the girl in the cubicle next to me. I am way too intimidated to talk to him. His friend even offered to say something to him and I told her not to because he's out of my league. Sigh...

So, what do I do about my admirer? Should I use him for target practice (I am out of practice)? Should I build up my confidence, bask in the sunshine of being liked, then move on to the stud muffin? Should I kindly tell him that I don't want to be more than friends? Oh, I don't know. I guess we'll see how annoyed I get by Friday.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I have something to get off my chest

I've been seeing a chiropractor for about a month now. I've had a chronic back ache with numbness and tingling on the right side for about 10 years and I decided this would be the year to fix it. So I budgeted for 20 visits at $50 per visit and set aside $1,000 in a HCRA (health care reimbursement account). The money is deducted from my paycheck before taxes and if I don't use it I will lose it. What better way to force myself to stop procrastinating?

Well, last week the chiro and I had a frank discussion. He asked if I had ever considered breast reduction surgery. Um, YEAH! Have you seen these puppies? It's like hauling around a pair of cantaloupes. Filled with lead. I got a little discouraged though because it was my impression that you can't/shouldn't go through a surgery like that if you're overweight. I saw an episode or two of Extreme Makeover where the women had to work out with a trainer for 8-12 weeks and eat specially prepared meals. Their surgeons wanted them to lose a certain percentage of body fat before operating. Yikes.

This could be a major problem for me. Let's roll out the excuses: my back problems cause hip, knee and ankle problems which make it difficult to exercise. Since losing my thyroid last year I have fallen off the low-carb wagon and gained back at least half of the 70 pounds I spent the previous 18 months losing. I have PCOS and one of the symptoms is insulin-resistance, meaning all of the sugar I consume is immediately converted to fat.

I suppose I should stop making excuses. What would it hurt to consult with a surgeon? If he wants me to lose weight first then maybe he can suggest a way for me to do that. And if I had 15 pounds of boob removed then maybe my back would feel better and I could do more strenuous exercise. At least it would give me more confidence. Lately I've been feeling like everyone (both male and female) is staring at my chest. It makes me feel gross and freakish. So I have a lot to think about.