Monday, August 24, 2009

Tears for fears

I've had "Head Over Heels" in my head for a few days, but this post isn't really about that.

I don't know what it is about me and guys. They fascinate and terrify me. It's like I never evolved beyond grade school, where someone finding out you had a crush was mortifying. I can hardly look at guys I don't know. I'm so afraid they'll see me and - well, I'm not sure what exactly scares me but I always look away if I ever make eye contact.

I don't just look away, I practically run away, like tonight in the grocery store when one of the managers said "hi" to me. I scuttled off sideways like a crab. As I did, I noticed that he wasn't wearing a wedding ring and appeared to be in his mid-30s. Single, appropriate age, friendly... what's the problem?

I think I've built up a wall over the years that I don't know how to break down. I was teased and rejected a lot as a child and teenager. In my mind I am wrong, I am strange, I am not liked. I approach friendships apologetically and I'm extremely sensitive to any cue that I've overstayed my welcome.

In a scenario where a guy speaks first, shouldn't I be a little more at ease? Maybe I'm afraid of ultimate rejection and I'm trying to beat them to the punch. Maybe I'm afraid I'll misread friendliness as flirting and make an idiot of myself. I don't know. I hoped he would think I was shy rather than unfriendly, but as I rounded the corner it occurred to me that I was frowning.

No comments: