Thursday, August 20, 2009

Nothing's right, I'm torn

I was lying in bed the other night, mulling over my options. I'm facing a sort of crossroads. I found out that I am definitely going to be laid off in October. I have a little money saved and I will receive a severance package. If I want to leave Kansas then I feel like this is my opportunity. But where should I go?

Part of the problem with coming from a nomadic family is that there isn't any place you identify as "home". My siblings are scattered across the western US. I'm very close to most of them and can't go a day without talking to at least 2 siblings. I hardly ever see them because they live so far from me and from each other.

Who do I choose? Who is most likely not to leave me if I move nearby? When I came here after college I wanted to be closer to the - then - 8 siblings remaining at home. But my parents moved and I was left on my own. Ironically, they moved to within an hour of where I had gone to college. I decided not to follow them because I couldn't trust them to stay put. And they didn't stay put; they moved three more times and are now back to within 2 hours of me.

I've become a bit wary about moving for another person but I'm feeling pulled. I could move west near Two and her boys. I have several aunts, uncles and cousins in the area and I have always felt guilty for not knowing them better. I have my best friend from high school there and now Nine is making plans to move there.

I could move south near Three and Five. I'm not crazy about the weather but I miss those boys! They are so much fun, they're always introducing me to new interests and part of me thinks if I'm ever going to have a chance at marriage then it wouldn't hurt to be around them and their guy friends. I get the feeling they don't like it where they are and I don't know if I can trust them not to leave if I move for them.

I could stay here. There are still 4 kids at home that I'd like to see more of. I have a frosty relationship with my parents so I don't visit very often. I'm getting less bang for my buck if I stay, but the other siblings do cycle through a few times a year so at least I have a chance of seeing everyone.

I could walk away and stop being so codependent. I could sell the house, give away the cats, backpack around Europe, meet a real British guy or two instead of the airbrushed hotties I see on BBC America and finally get over my obsession. I could change my life completely, or at least have a few adventures. I could even go back to school and learn something useful this time. I don't know! These decisions are so hard.


Mary said...

My suggestions are

1)move closer to #2
2)England, baby!

Joseph said...

3 + 5 = probably herding to 2 and a probable 9. Join the schnitzel, it will be legen...wait for it...

Joseph said...


One of a dozen said...

LOL at Joseph.