Today was the day. I'm officially laid off. I went into the office this morning to turn in my badge and computer. I gave and received hugs, said my goodbyes, and posed for pictures. The entire department has been laid off and I think 60 people left today. We've had a few Happy Hours over the last 2 weeks and we all exchanged contact information. Dealing with the new company has been difficult and I think most of us were ready to go, but it's still hard to say goodbye to friends.
As rough as this is, my mind has been elsewhere for the last week. A few days ago I mentioned an upcoming job interview and what it could mean for my severance benefits. My HR rep had to talk to several other people (including the legal department) before he could answer my question. He finally let me know Wednesday afternoon that this was indeed a comparable position, but advised me to go forward with the interview anyway. It was too late to reschedule so I charged ahead.
The interview was awkward, but interviews always are for me. Somehow I segued from "Tell me about a time when you disagreed with your manager" to "I'm a fan of Stargate!" I just want to groan when I think about that. Luckily the interviewer is also a huge science fiction buff so I'm hoping that will count positively. At least he knows he'd enjoy working with me, right?
As bad as that was, I think I made it worse today by showing up in a pair of exercise pants and an oversized sweater with the old company logo. I had debated putting on khakis but then apathy won out and I wore the pants I had been sleeping in. I didn't bother styling my hair today, I just put a little anti frizz serum in it and let it air dry. Well, around 9:45 a.m. I went down to the cafeteria to return some silverware and bumped into my interviewer getting a late breakfast. Doh! I was friendly and I tried to pretend it wasn't at all awkward to be caught wearing grubbies when he had seen me the day before wearing a business suit. He commented on the sweater but not the pants. Wow. I am a major dork. There's no other way to put it.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Let it go
If there's one thing I'm good at, it's anger. I've held onto grudges for decades. Most of them are against my mother. For example, when I was 5 my sister threw up. She received sympathy and a glass of 7-Up. Half an hour later I threw up. I received a roll of paper towels and an order to clean up the mess. My mom said I did it deliberately because I wanted 7-Up, too. I was FIVE! Come on! For those of you doing the math that was 26 years ago and yes, I'm still peeved.
I could go on for days about all of the ways my mom was a bad parent. She manipulated, abused and betrayed me. She blamed others for her actions, often making a church leader or my dad the scapegoat. When her lies unravel she is never capable of apologizing. She's always "sorry you feel that way", never sorry for hurting you.
So yes, I have a lot of anger. It burns inside me and seeps out like a poison. I grind my teeth at night. I get tension headaches. I fight with people and scream profanities in my dreams. I go months without speaking to people who've offended me. I suppose I'm punishing them with my disdain. But I'm getting tired of being angry. I think the fire might be dying.
I wish I could release it all. I don't know how to do that. Part of me wants to hold onto my feelings. I have been wronged! It deserves to be acknowledged. But the 2 people that I need to hear an apology from will never admit their mistakes. Whether it's 10 or 30 years down the road, they will go to their graves smug in their moral superiority. And what will I do then? Do I really want to hang onto my anger for another 30 years? It seems small and petty, somehow.
I don't think I can actively forgive - the forgiveness that was drilled in me at church just seems so cheesy - but I might be able to forget. Maybe I can stop thinking about all of the negative experiences and try thinking of something else instead. Rainbows and unicorns and that kind of crap. I just don't want to care anymore.
I could go on for days about all of the ways my mom was a bad parent. She manipulated, abused and betrayed me. She blamed others for her actions, often making a church leader or my dad the scapegoat. When her lies unravel she is never capable of apologizing. She's always "sorry you feel that way", never sorry for hurting you.
So yes, I have a lot of anger. It burns inside me and seeps out like a poison. I grind my teeth at night. I get tension headaches. I fight with people and scream profanities in my dreams. I go months without speaking to people who've offended me. I suppose I'm punishing them with my disdain. But I'm getting tired of being angry. I think the fire might be dying.
I wish I could release it all. I don't know how to do that. Part of me wants to hold onto my feelings. I have been wronged! It deserves to be acknowledged. But the 2 people that I need to hear an apology from will never admit their mistakes. Whether it's 10 or 30 years down the road, they will go to their graves smug in their moral superiority. And what will I do then? Do I really want to hang onto my anger for another 30 years? It seems small and petty, somehow.
I don't think I can actively forgive - the forgiveness that was drilled in me at church just seems so cheesy - but I might be able to forget. Maybe I can stop thinking about all of the negative experiences and try thinking of something else instead. Rainbows and unicorns and that kind of crap. I just don't want to care anymore.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
On my mind
I've had a few things rolling around in my head this weekend. I thought I'd just spew them out here in list form, with comments as needed.
1) I will be laid off in 5 days. You'd think this would be the most worrying thing on the list, but it isn't because...
2) I have a job interview on Thursday. I'm interviewing for a position at my current company but in another department. Getting the job and hanging on until April means I will be "vested" in the company, thus qualifying for a pension and being able to keep the company match in my 401k. Sounds great, right? Well, there's a catch.
3) My severance package is contingent upon me not being offered a comparable position before the date of my layoff. If I am offered a comparable job before next Monday and I decide I don't want to take it, then I will forfeit my severance.
4) I've emailed my HR representative to ask whether or not this position is considered "comparable". If he decides that it is, then I think I'm going to try to move the interview to next week. But will doing that give the interviewer a bad impression? And if I'm laid off but rehired, will the company bridge my years of service or will they restart the clock with my new hiring date? If the latter then I won't be vested after all and I might as well start over somewhere else.
5) How did it get so cold, so fast? I've been shivering all weekend. Brrrrr!
6) My back is KILLING me! I thought the whole point of having breast reduction surgery was to fix my back pain. It's worse than ever. The right side is very tight. I can't take a deep breath. Last night I tried in vain to make myself yawn. I couldn't do it. My lungs would not expand far enough. Maybe I should ask my regular doctor for help but I think he'll just give me muscle relaxers, which in my opinion is treating the symptoms instead of the cause.
7) Three and Five are on a cruise to celebrate their birthdays. Three is 29 today and Five will be 25 the day after they get back. Two and her husband are also taking a cruise at the end of this month. I'm so jealous! I can hardly stand it. I've never been on a cruise. Maybe after all of this employment drama settles down I'll take one.
8) The Pet Shop Boys are really great, aren't they? Everything sounds better with 2 poofs and a synthesizer :)
1) I will be laid off in 5 days. You'd think this would be the most worrying thing on the list, but it isn't because...
2) I have a job interview on Thursday. I'm interviewing for a position at my current company but in another department. Getting the job and hanging on until April means I will be "vested" in the company, thus qualifying for a pension and being able to keep the company match in my 401k. Sounds great, right? Well, there's a catch.
3) My severance package is contingent upon me not being offered a comparable position before the date of my layoff. If I am offered a comparable job before next Monday and I decide I don't want to take it, then I will forfeit my severance.
4) I've emailed my HR representative to ask whether or not this position is considered "comparable". If he decides that it is, then I think I'm going to try to move the interview to next week. But will doing that give the interviewer a bad impression? And if I'm laid off but rehired, will the company bridge my years of service or will they restart the clock with my new hiring date? If the latter then I won't be vested after all and I might as well start over somewhere else.
5) How did it get so cold, so fast? I've been shivering all weekend. Brrrrr!
6) My back is KILLING me! I thought the whole point of having breast reduction surgery was to fix my back pain. It's worse than ever. The right side is very tight. I can't take a deep breath. Last night I tried in vain to make myself yawn. I couldn't do it. My lungs would not expand far enough. Maybe I should ask my regular doctor for help but I think he'll just give me muscle relaxers, which in my opinion is treating the symptoms instead of the cause.
7) Three and Five are on a cruise to celebrate their birthdays. Three is 29 today and Five will be 25 the day after they get back. Two and her husband are also taking a cruise at the end of this month. I'm so jealous! I can hardly stand it. I've never been on a cruise. Maybe after all of this employment drama settles down I'll take one.
8) The Pet Shop Boys are really great, aren't they? Everything sounds better with 2 poofs and a synthesizer :)
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wannabe Sphynx
Over the last few weeks I've noticed a bald patch on my cat's front leg. I wasn't sure what it was. I thought maybe she had been scratched there and the hair fell out while it was healing. The bald patch seems to be growing though and a few days ago I noticed that she's getting a second bald patch in the same place on the other leg. I also noticed that the hair on her belly is quite short and fine compared to the other 2 kitties.
Late Tuesday night I had a thought that shot me straight up out of bed: mange. Remember this tragic pup? He had been abused and neglected by his owners and had very itchy skin with patches of missing fur. I covered the back seat of my car with a blanket when I took him out for a ride. That blanket has been sitting on a rocking chair by the laundry room, waiting for me to get around to washing it. I'm pretty sure the cat was sleeping on it in the afternoons. What if the dog's missing fur wasn't caused by pressure sores and malnutrition? What if it was caused by mange? I immediately threw that blanket in the wash with hot water and lots of bleach. The next morning I called the vet and made an appointment for Monday (the first available).
Yesterday I did a little online research. After reading up on the condition I'm feeling a little better. Typically the mites are so itchy that cats will get secondary infections from constant scratching. I haven't noticed her doing any scratching. The areas are clean and dry with no obvious irritation or infection. I also read that mange usually starts around the ears and head. Her head looks fine and furry; the bald spots are only on her legs and belly. I'm still planning to take her to the vet on Monday but I don't think he'll find any mites.
If it isn't mange then what is causing her to go bald? My mind is running through a list of problems from cancer to mental illness. Maybe she isn't happy as a Bengal. Maybe in her mind she has always felt that she should have been born a Sphynx. If so, who am I to judge her? Maybe I should get out the clippers and help her transformation along. Ha! Hopefully the vet will have an answer for me. She isn't my favorite cat but I'm still attached to her and I don't want to see her suffering.
Late Tuesday night I had a thought that shot me straight up out of bed: mange. Remember this tragic pup? He had been abused and neglected by his owners and had very itchy skin with patches of missing fur. I covered the back seat of my car with a blanket when I took him out for a ride. That blanket has been sitting on a rocking chair by the laundry room, waiting for me to get around to washing it. I'm pretty sure the cat was sleeping on it in the afternoons. What if the dog's missing fur wasn't caused by pressure sores and malnutrition? What if it was caused by mange? I immediately threw that blanket in the wash with hot water and lots of bleach. The next morning I called the vet and made an appointment for Monday (the first available).
Yesterday I did a little online research. After reading up on the condition I'm feeling a little better. Typically the mites are so itchy that cats will get secondary infections from constant scratching. I haven't noticed her doing any scratching. The areas are clean and dry with no obvious irritation or infection. I also read that mange usually starts around the ears and head. Her head looks fine and furry; the bald spots are only on her legs and belly. I'm still planning to take her to the vet on Monday but I don't think he'll find any mites.
If it isn't mange then what is causing her to go bald? My mind is running through a list of problems from cancer to mental illness. Maybe she isn't happy as a Bengal. Maybe in her mind she has always felt that she should have been born a Sphynx. If so, who am I to judge her? Maybe I should get out the clippers and help her transformation along. Ha! Hopefully the vet will have an answer for me. She isn't my favorite cat but I'm still attached to her and I don't want to see her suffering.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Free fallin
I switched over from AC to heat yesterday. It's officially Fall. Right on cue I got a head cold. I've spent the day cradling a box of tissues and breathing through my mouth. Sexy.
Somehow I've watched nearly all of my recorded TV shows. I'm left with 25 reruns of Stargate: Atlantis and 18 episodes of Ninja Warrior. The DVR bundles each series into 1 listing so right now it only looks like I have 2 available shows to watch. Kind of weird. I'm not really in the mood to watch either right now - well, maybe I could watch Atlantis. I just watched the series premiere of Stargate: Universe so I'm sort of in that mindset. But I think I'm going to read a book instead.
Twoofadozen told me about a series she read earlier this year. The first book is called "All Creatures Great and Small". It's about an English vet in the 1930s. At first I was skeptical. The title is from a hymn so I thought it would be a churchy book. It's not at all. It's hilarious. It follows the vet in his first two years of practice, working in the Yorkshire countryside. I finished it a few days ago and I started on the sequel ("All Things Bright & Beautiful") last night. If you're looking for a few good books to read then I definitely recommend this series!
Somehow I've watched nearly all of my recorded TV shows. I'm left with 25 reruns of Stargate: Atlantis and 18 episodes of Ninja Warrior. The DVR bundles each series into 1 listing so right now it only looks like I have 2 available shows to watch. Kind of weird. I'm not really in the mood to watch either right now - well, maybe I could watch Atlantis. I just watched the series premiere of Stargate: Universe so I'm sort of in that mindset. But I think I'm going to read a book instead.
Twoofadozen told me about a series she read earlier this year. The first book is called "All Creatures Great and Small". It's about an English vet in the 1930s. At first I was skeptical. The title is from a hymn so I thought it would be a churchy book. It's not at all. It's hilarious. It follows the vet in his first two years of practice, working in the Yorkshire countryside. I finished it a few days ago and I started on the sequel ("All Things Bright & Beautiful") last night. If you're looking for a few good books to read then I definitely recommend this series!
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