In treatment

Since creating a Facebook account I don't feel a big need to blog anymore. Facebook is a great outlet for my dull and very dull thoughts but I tend to keep things superficial because I'm hyper-aware of the audience. I spend way too much time worrying about whether or not someone is going to be offended. Even on a blog, with its pretense of anonymity, I hold back my darkest thoughts and most shocking opinions. I do the same in my journal. One day someone could read it and then what would they think of me!

I recently starting seeing a therapist, after an incident at work that made me so anxious I was briefly suicidal. I wouldn't classify her as immensely helpful - and in fact I think she was struggling not to fall asleep in the last few sessions, which makes me feel like I bore her. But even though it hasn't been perfect, I do think it helps to have an outlet where I can be frank. It helps me put my feelings into words and I think she helps me explore things without going off on too many tangents.

I told her that I'm not happy in my job but don't know what else to do. I'm thinking of taking an information systems class at the community college, hoping that it sparks an interest in another field. Maybe IT, maybe game design. I don't know. She gave me an exercise. She wants me to describe my ideal work day and then my ideal day off. There are no limits. It doesn't matter if I'm too old, too young, the wrong gender or even in the wrong century. I could go to another planet, go anywhere in space or time. The days can be any length that I want them to be. She said to ignore practicality while also being very specific about who/what/where.

I'm kind of excited about this activity. I've wanted to be a writer but I get bogged down by negative thoughts. I'm so worried about being perfect that I lose my creativity. But if I could do anything, go anywhere, with no limits . . . I still don't know where or what but I'm pretty sure that on my ideal day off there would be dragons. Lots of flying, pearlescent dragons. I hope that's the kind of answer she's looking for!

Rocky Mountain high

Tomorrow morning I'm flying to Denver on my first ever business trip. I was originally going to stay for 4 days but another all-day training meeting came up the following Monday. It's cheaper for me to stay in Denver over the weekend than it would be to fly back here on Friday and fly back there on Sunday night. That means I won't be coming home until a week from Tuesday.

I have a 17 year old kid stopping by every day to feed my cats and pick up the mail. He's done it 2 or 3 times before and he does a good job. I pay him around $7 per day, which is a lot cheaper than boarding them. He seems happy to do it and the cats are less stressed out. I just have this nagging feeling that I'm not paying him enough. His mom is (was) my manager and she negotiated the amount, so I guess it's okay.

My coworkers have suggested things to do and see while I'm in town. I have an expense account for meals, lodging and travel but I'm on my own for entertainment expenses. I might try to find a theater and see the new Harry Potter film but that's something I could do at home. I could also go shoe-shopping (my new obsession) but, again, I can do that here. I hear downtown Denver is packed with things to do and most of it is within walking distance of my hotel. It's just a little bit daunting to be staying alone in a strange city. I may be so overwhelmed by everything that I spend the weekend sleeping!

Feelin' groovy

The last 7 or 8 months have been exhausting. I've worked an average of 60 hours per week since December. The short version is that the field converted to a new system and there were major issues with their data flowing into our system. This created a huge backlog of manual research and mandatory (unpaid) overtime. Those issues are mostly resolved now but there are still a lot of errors caused by training issues/noncompliance with procedures. Joy.

This is no longer my problem because as of Friday, July 1st I have a NEW JOB!!! It's a job that has me scared shitless but it's a job that promises to respect my personal time and allow me to have a life again. The exciting thing is that I didn't apply for it, I was referred to to it by someone who had been impressed by me in my old job. The manager invited me to interview. That has never happened to me before and I was extremely flattered. I had a job offer within 3 weeks of that first phone call but was not allowed to tell anyone where I was going until the end of May. Then, less than 2 weeks after I announced that I was leaving, the rest of my department was given notice that they would be laid off next spring. Wow. I am so glad not to be going through that again.

Now that I have some spare time, I've started on a project in my downstairs bathroom. The ceiling was water-damaged and sagging in places. There was also a hole cut out above the shower where a plumber fixed a leak from the tub in the upstairs bathroom. That was 4 years ago. Yeah. I'm a slob.

My brother Five was here last week attending training in the city. I live about an hour closer to the shop than he does and I was thrilled to have him stay with me. He's a lot of fun; we like a lot of the same things (sushi, scifi, seafood). He's also very handy and has been renovating his house mostly on his own. He helped me get started on the bathroom. Together we tore down the old ceiling and put up new drywall. He even helped me put on 2 coats of mud and sanded the first coat by himself.

This morning I put on the last coat of mud (I hope). Tomorrow I'm going to sand it. If everything looks flat then the next thing to do is paint. I chose a white paint for the ceiling and a light periwinkle blue for the walls. I might be able to finish the ceiling tomorrow and maybe get the walls done by next weekend. I'm so excited to have it finished! I think it will look really great with brown towels and rugs.

Now that I've popped my home improvement cherry, maybe I'll move on to other rooms. I really hate the beige walls and popcorn ceilings in this house. It would be nice to have some cooler shades; blues and purples and burgundies, even some pinks. I guess I'm not much for warm tones. If anyone would like to volunteer to paint or scrape ceilings, I would be more than happy to pay you in sushi. Pretty please?

Secrets, secrets, are no fun

Today is one of those days when I feel isolated - not just physically but mentally & emotionally. No one knows my secrets. Normally that would make me feel smug but today it makes me feel lonely. I get so tired of not speaking, keeping my thoughts to myself. I guess it's better than spewing venom but I wonder if I'm coming across as bland to people who don't spend a lot of time with me. By not voicing an opinion maybe I appear too stupid to have one. Interesting.

There are things about me that aren't pretty, beyond the occasional mood swings. And I feel like I don't have anyone in my life that can accept those ugly things. Even my siblings couldn't handle hearing about them. Religion, for example, has become more and more strange to me. I can't talk about it with anyone and sometimes I really want to. Instead I patiently endure co-workers gushing about their kids accepting Christ or the new Christian rock band that I just have to hear. I don't know how to respond to that.

Sometimes I have the oddest thoughts. I drove home tonight happily munching on a steak burrito from Chipotle when it suddenly struck me how casually we kill. To live is to make others die. Cows, chickens, fish... all must be sacrificed to feed the dominant humans. Will that thought turn me into a vegetarian? Probably not - and I feel guilty about my callousness. But guilt is good. It's both a virtue and a luxury. And now I feel pretentious.

I suppose I should try to expand my circle of friends and meet some people who have more in common with me. It's kind of a strange niche: formerly religious and still moderately conservative but with liberal leanings seeks same for deep conversations and zero possibility of intimacy. That's a winner. The problem of course is that I can't stay interested in deep conversations for very long before apathy kicks in. I like to discuss, I don't like to argue. Maybe that's the problem right there. I would rather keep quiet than risk starting an argument.

It's pronounced "hallow", not "hollow"

Time really flies when you're not having fun. It seems like October just started and already it's Halloween. For the last month my days have followed the same dull pattern: the alarm clock at 7 a.m. is ignored until 7:45; I rush around preparing for work and dash out the door around 8:40; arrive at work by 9 to sit in front of a computer screen for the next 9-10 hours; leave the office between 6 and 7 p.m.; feed the cats, watch TV, go to bed around 11. Rinse and repeat.

Fortunately, I'm planning another vacation in a few weeks. I'm going to stay with my sister Two over Thanksgiving. This will give me an opportunity to see my best friend's new house, which she purchased in July. I will probably leave with a severe case of design-envy, as the only thing I've really done to change the appearance of my house is tearing out the lilacs this summer. I'm excited to see my nephews and my sisters again. Nine will be there too and she has big plans for a Cheesecake Factory coupon. Yea!

In case you were wondering, I needn't have worried: Dizzy bombed her interview. When asked why she applied for the job she responded, "My boss told me you had 3 openings and I should apply." Um... the correct answer would have been something along the lines of "I enjoy working with numbers" or "I'm looking for a new experience to grow my skill set". We are getting a new hire tomorrow. I hope I get along with her. I hope she doesn't outshine me!