Monday, November 15, 2010

Secrets, secrets, are no fun

Today is one of those days when I feel isolated - not just physically but mentally & emotionally. No one knows my secrets. Normally that would make me feel smug but today it makes me feel lonely. I get so tired of not speaking, keeping my thoughts to myself. I guess it's better than spewing venom but I wonder if I'm coming across as bland to people who don't spend a lot of time with me. By not voicing an opinion maybe I appear too stupid to have one. Interesting.

There are things about me that aren't pretty, beyond the occasional mood swings. And I feel like I don't have anyone in my life that can accept those ugly things. Even my siblings couldn't handle hearing about them. Religion, for example, has become more and more strange to me. I can't talk about it with anyone and sometimes I really want to. Instead I patiently endure co-workers gushing about their kids accepting Christ or the new Christian rock band that I just have to hear. I don't know how to respond to that.

Sometimes I have the oddest thoughts. I drove home tonight happily munching on a steak burrito from Chipotle when it suddenly struck me how casually we kill. To live is to make others die. Cows, chickens, fish... all must be sacrificed to feed the dominant humans. Will that thought turn me into a vegetarian? Probably not - and I feel guilty about my callousness. But guilt is good. It's both a virtue and a luxury. And now I feel pretentious.

I suppose I should try to expand my circle of friends and meet some people who have more in common with me. It's kind of a strange niche: formerly religious and still moderately conservative but with liberal leanings seeks same for deep conversations and zero possibility of intimacy. That's a winner. The problem of course is that I can't stay interested in deep conversations for very long before apathy kicks in. I like to discuss, I don't like to argue. Maybe that's the problem right there. I would rather keep quiet than risk starting an argument.


The Joe said...

I am fairly open with my life, I have issues with some aspects of formal religion and it's strictures. While, for the most part,not caring at all what people think I have a few secrets that I will never ever discuss with anyone. Will they look at me differently? absolutely. Will they judge? most likely. Will they want to stop associating with me? that's what I'm afraid of. So I keep my things safe in the darkest corner of my mind. Look at my brave face, and ignore the things I can't ever share.

km said...

Is it odd to you that I am related to you and feel almost exactly the same way a lot of the time? Do you think that there is something in my FOO and yours that is similar, and related to the fact that my mother and your father are siblings?

Maybe I'm reading too much into your blog post, but this: "There are things about me that aren't pretty, beyond the occasional mood swings. And I feel like I don't have anyone in my life that can accept those ugly things." is something I can totally identify with.

One of a dozen said...

Hey, Kelly. I didn't see your comment until today. Some of the ugliness definitely has to do with my (our) family dynamics. Some of it has to do with finding an identity separate from the one I was handed as a child. It's frustrating that I can't be completely open about who I am now and the things I believe/don't believe - and not just around my family but also at work. There are so many things I hold back for fear of offending someone.