Today is one of those days when I feel isolated - not just physically but mentally & emotionally. No one knows my secrets. Normally that would make me feel smug but today it makes me feel lonely. I get so tired of not speaking, keeping my thoughts to myself. I guess it's better than spewing venom but I wonder if I'm coming across as bland to people who don't spend a lot of time with me. By not voicing an opinion maybe I appear too stupid to have one. Interesting.
There are things about me that aren't pretty, beyond the occasional mood swings. And I feel like I don't have anyone in my life that can accept those ugly things. Even my siblings couldn't handle hearing about them. Religion, for example, has become more and more strange to me. I can't talk about it with anyone and sometimes I really want to. Instead I patiently endure co-workers gushing about their kids accepting Christ or the new Christian rock band that I just have to hear. I don't know how to respond to that.
Sometimes I have the oddest thoughts. I drove home tonight happily munching on a steak burrito from Chipotle when it suddenly struck me how casually we kill. To live is to make others die. Cows, chickens, fish... all must be sacrificed to feed the dominant humans. Will that thought turn me into a vegetarian? Probably not - and I feel guilty about my callousness. But guilt is good. It's both a virtue and a luxury. And now I feel pretentious.
I suppose I should try to expand my circle of friends and meet some people who have more in common with me. It's kind of a strange niche: formerly religious and still moderately conservative but with liberal leanings seeks same for deep conversations and zero possibility of intimacy. That's a winner. The problem of course is that I can't stay interested in deep conversations for very long before apathy kicks in. I like to discuss, I don't like to argue. Maybe that's the problem right there. I would rather keep quiet than risk starting an argument.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
It's pronounced "hallow", not "hollow"
Time really flies when you're not having fun. It seems like October just started and already it's Halloween. For the last month my days have followed the same dull pattern: the alarm clock at 7 a.m. is ignored until 7:45; I rush around preparing for work and dash out the door around 8:40; arrive at work by 9 to sit in front of a computer screen for the next 9-10 hours; leave the office between 6 and 7 p.m.; feed the cats, watch TV, go to bed around 11. Rinse and repeat.
Fortunately, I'm planning another vacation in a few weeks. I'm going to stay with my sister Two over Thanksgiving. This will give me an opportunity to see my best friend's new house, which she purchased in July. I will probably leave with a severe case of design-envy, as the only thing I've really done to change the appearance of my house is tearing out the lilacs this summer. I'm excited to see my nephews and my sisters again. Nine will be there too and she has big plans for a Cheesecake Factory coupon. Yea!
In case you were wondering, I needn't have worried: Dizzy bombed her interview. When asked why she applied for the job she responded, "My boss told me you had 3 openings and I should apply." Um... the correct answer would have been something along the lines of "I enjoy working with numbers" or "I'm looking for a new experience to grow my skill set". We are getting a new hire tomorrow. I hope I get along with her. I hope she doesn't outshine me!
Fortunately, I'm planning another vacation in a few weeks. I'm going to stay with my sister Two over Thanksgiving. This will give me an opportunity to see my best friend's new house, which she purchased in July. I will probably leave with a severe case of design-envy, as the only thing I've really done to change the appearance of my house is tearing out the lilacs this summer. I'm excited to see my nephews and my sisters again. Nine will be there too and she has big plans for a Cheesecake Factory coupon. Yea!
In case you were wondering, I needn't have worried: Dizzy bombed her interview. When asked why she applied for the job she responded, "My boss told me you had 3 openings and I should apply." Um... the correct answer would have been something along the lines of "I enjoy working with numbers" or "I'm looking for a new experience to grow my skill set". We are getting a new hire tomorrow. I hope I get along with her. I hope she doesn't outshine me!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Dizzy
I've worked for the same company since early 2004, although technically I was a temp for the first 13 months so on paper I've only worked there 5 years. In that time the company has changed names twice and I have changed job titles 6 times. When I was hired into a permanent position I interviewed replacement temps with my supervisor. I didn't like the girl she selected. Not at all. She was a bubble-headed redneck who giggled in the interview. A lot. But the guy I wanted to hire turned us down so we took a chance on "Dizzy".
Fast-forward 5 1/2 years and Dizzy still works as a temp in that department. I worked beside her for 18 months before changing departments. She wasn't terrible but she had limited software skills and no inclination to improve them. It frustrated me because I am the type who likes to learn shortcuts and find ways to improve processes. Dizzy did things the hard way. She was slow to pick up new systems and was often scrambling to fix her mistakes.
I lost whatever respect I had for Dizzy when I had to start dealing with her as an end-user. The girl asked the same questions over and over. She couldn't retain anything we told her. The final nail in the coffin was when she accidentally tagged a record to be deleted and, not knowing how to correct her error, she told an outside vendor they had to recreate the file and asked my department to delete our version of it. I explained to her why this was a bad idea and told her how to re-import the file from our system. A week later Dizzy emailed asking us to delete a "duplication" that occurred when the vendor recreated their file. I was spitting mad. I still am, a little bit.
My old supervisor loves her. I can't explain why. She wasn't allowed to back fill when I left the position. I think she feels guilty about not hiring Dizzy permanently because every time there's a job opening in my department I hear from her. The funny thing (to me) is that I never hear about how qualified Dizzy is, just that she deserves to be hired because she works so hard. Yeah. If she were a little smarter she wouldn't have to work so hard.
Fortunately, in my last department the supervisor knew the kind of dingbat we were dealing with and swore she would never hire Dizzy. But now there's an opening in my new department. I saw Dizzy's resume in the pile of candidates to be interviewed next week and I nearly choked. This group has never worked with her but some of them know her from taking smoke breaks together. They may even like her. I told our Lead a little about her and why I didn't think she would be a good fit. I don't know if that was an ethical thing to do or not. I really don't want to work with her again. I might go crazy.
Fast-forward 5 1/2 years and Dizzy still works as a temp in that department. I worked beside her for 18 months before changing departments. She wasn't terrible but she had limited software skills and no inclination to improve them. It frustrated me because I am the type who likes to learn shortcuts and find ways to improve processes. Dizzy did things the hard way. She was slow to pick up new systems and was often scrambling to fix her mistakes.
I lost whatever respect I had for Dizzy when I had to start dealing with her as an end-user. The girl asked the same questions over and over. She couldn't retain anything we told her. The final nail in the coffin was when she accidentally tagged a record to be deleted and, not knowing how to correct her error, she told an outside vendor they had to recreate the file and asked my department to delete our version of it. I explained to her why this was a bad idea and told her how to re-import the file from our system. A week later Dizzy emailed asking us to delete a "duplication" that occurred when the vendor recreated their file. I was spitting mad. I still am, a little bit.
My old supervisor loves her. I can't explain why. She wasn't allowed to back fill when I left the position. I think she feels guilty about not hiring Dizzy permanently because every time there's a job opening in my department I hear from her. The funny thing (to me) is that I never hear about how qualified Dizzy is, just that she deserves to be hired because she works so hard. Yeah. If she were a little smarter she wouldn't have to work so hard.
Fortunately, in my last department the supervisor knew the kind of dingbat we were dealing with and swore she would never hire Dizzy. But now there's an opening in my new department. I saw Dizzy's resume in the pile of candidates to be interviewed next week and I nearly choked. This group has never worked with her but some of them know her from taking smoke breaks together. They may even like her. I told our Lead a little about her and why I didn't think she would be a good fit. I don't know if that was an ethical thing to do or not. I really don't want to work with her again. I might go crazy.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Rules to live by
I worry sometimes that I might have an anxiety disorder - and yes, I do realize how funny that sounds. I also worry that I might be a hypochondriac. Don't act so surprised, I've mentioned before that I might be insane. It's not that big a stretch. Insanity runs in my family; it practically gallops!
Anyway, I was thinking the other day about the various rules I create for myself. Rules like "always take the first pair of underwear in the row so you don't wear out one pair faster than the others". Oh, and "arrange your underwear in a row so you always know which pair was laundered last". Then there are rules like "never waste a trip", i.e. taking everything you need downstairs with you so you won't have to come back upstairs to get something. Or "always put the bleach in first and the fabric softener in second, then measure the soap, turn on the water and pour the soap in last". It's a HE machine, this insures that all the soap gets washed out of the dispenser and doesn't get deposited undiluted on my clothes... Never mind.
All of the examples above relate to laundry, probably because I just did my laundry and the rules are fresh in my mind. There are also rules about cooking and cleaning and spreadsheet formatting and query writing and email management. The rules themselves aren't all that interesting. What strikes me is how I freak out if I deviate from them. There are times I have remembered something I needed halfway down the stairs and become frozen with indecision about which is more efficient; going back up the stairs to retrieve it or putting away whatever it is before going up again. I get a feeling of fear and tension because I'm doing it wrong and someone might find out.
My rules aren't limited to work and chores. Sometimes I script conversations in advance, then later I replay them (sometimes out loud - sometimes out loud and in public) and agonize over what I did or did not say. I find myself listening to people while a voice in my head says "nod, smile, make eye contact, hold, break, say 'uh huh'..." etc. Later there will be a mental browbeating over not asking the right follow-up questions or for directing the conversation too much to myself. Ugh. So much anxiety!
In the face of all these rules I often feel overwhelmed. It's easier to NOT clean the house because I know I won't do it correctly. I will move knickknacks in the wrong order, thus extending my dusting to 5 minutes instead of the optimum 3. I will run out of clean mop water 3/4ths of the way through and be faced with the prospect of wasting a bucket of water. I will start in the wrong place, crumple the previously ironed part of my shirt and have to redo the sleeve or yoke or whatever.
I don't know if I have a conclusion for this post, other than I think I understand how people can become obsessive-compulsive. I don't think I'm there yet but if my tooth-brushing ritual is any indication, I could be heading in that direction.
Anyway, I was thinking the other day about the various rules I create for myself. Rules like "always take the first pair of underwear in the row so you don't wear out one pair faster than the others". Oh, and "arrange your underwear in a row so you always know which pair was laundered last". Then there are rules like "never waste a trip", i.e. taking everything you need downstairs with you so you won't have to come back upstairs to get something. Or "always put the bleach in first and the fabric softener in second, then measure the soap, turn on the water and pour the soap in last". It's a HE machine, this insures that all the soap gets washed out of the dispenser and doesn't get deposited undiluted on my clothes... Never mind.
All of the examples above relate to laundry, probably because I just did my laundry and the rules are fresh in my mind. There are also rules about cooking and cleaning and spreadsheet formatting and query writing and email management. The rules themselves aren't all that interesting. What strikes me is how I freak out if I deviate from them. There are times I have remembered something I needed halfway down the stairs and become frozen with indecision about which is more efficient; going back up the stairs to retrieve it or putting away whatever it is before going up again. I get a feeling of fear and tension because I'm doing it wrong and someone might find out.
My rules aren't limited to work and chores. Sometimes I script conversations in advance, then later I replay them (sometimes out loud - sometimes out loud and in public) and agonize over what I did or did not say. I find myself listening to people while a voice in my head says "nod, smile, make eye contact, hold, break, say 'uh huh'..." etc. Later there will be a mental browbeating over not asking the right follow-up questions or for directing the conversation too much to myself. Ugh. So much anxiety!
In the face of all these rules I often feel overwhelmed. It's easier to NOT clean the house because I know I won't do it correctly. I will move knickknacks in the wrong order, thus extending my dusting to 5 minutes instead of the optimum 3. I will run out of clean mop water 3/4ths of the way through and be faced with the prospect of wasting a bucket of water. I will start in the wrong place, crumple the previously ironed part of my shirt and have to redo the sleeve or yoke or whatever.
I don't know if I have a conclusion for this post, other than I think I understand how people can become obsessive-compulsive. I don't think I'm there yet but if my tooth-brushing ritual is any indication, I could be heading in that direction.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
I need a vacation
I feel like I took a huge step backwards at work this week. I was super busy and I didn't get half the things done that I wanted to. On top of that, I made quite a few people mad at me and it will probably take a few weeks (or months) before they like me again. It's my own fault, really. My job is to analyze commissions that we pay our sales reps. This week I noticed some errors in the sales data and, not having enough to do already, I started digging deeper. After 3 days of auditing and compiling data I had the odious task of informing the reps that I was reducing their compensation by a few thousand dollars. Most of them were out of the office on Friday so I am bracing myself for a shit storm on Monday. Oh well, what can I do? Having found the problem I am now liable for resolving it. That's the job. Yea.
I still haven't bought a plane ticket for Seattle. I haven't flown since the summer before I had my thyroid removed and I've gained a bit of weight since then. Now I'm afraid I'll be too fat for a single seat. I don't want to buy a second ticket if I don't have to but I also can't rely on the airline having an empty seat beside mine. I've considered flying first class or business class - the seats are supposed to be bigger, right? - but I don't how one purchases that kind of ticket. Everything I see on Travelocity, Orbitz & PriceLine is economy/coach class. Those sites don't really address morbid obesity in their FAQ sections either and it's kind of embarrassing to ask a call center employee.
The cats are another issue I need to sort out. They would probably be happiest staying here with someone dropping in to feed them. I don't really know who to call for that, though. The last time I left town a co-worker took care of them. In return, I took care of her dog and cat when she left town. That was 18 months ago. She left the company over a year ago and she hasn't spoken to me in almost as long. I think she's mad because I told another co-worker I thought her husband was a jerk (he is) but she never confronted me about it. Seems awkward to call her up now. Anyway, I'll figure something out.
I still haven't bought a plane ticket for Seattle. I haven't flown since the summer before I had my thyroid removed and I've gained a bit of weight since then. Now I'm afraid I'll be too fat for a single seat. I don't want to buy a second ticket if I don't have to but I also can't rely on the airline having an empty seat beside mine. I've considered flying first class or business class - the seats are supposed to be bigger, right? - but I don't how one purchases that kind of ticket. Everything I see on Travelocity, Orbitz & PriceLine is economy/coach class. Those sites don't really address morbid obesity in their FAQ sections either and it's kind of embarrassing to ask a call center employee.
The cats are another issue I need to sort out. They would probably be happiest staying here with someone dropping in to feed them. I don't really know who to call for that, though. The last time I left town a co-worker took care of them. In return, I took care of her dog and cat when she left town. That was 18 months ago. She left the company over a year ago and she hasn't spoken to me in almost as long. I think she's mad because I told another co-worker I thought her husband was a jerk (he is) but she never confronted me about it. Seems awkward to call her up now. Anyway, I'll figure something out.
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