Thursday, December 29, 2011

In treatment

Since creating a Facebook account I don't feel a big need to blog anymore. Facebook is a great outlet for my dull and very dull thoughts but I tend to keep things superficial because I'm hyper-aware of the audience. I spend way too much time worrying about whether or not someone is going to be offended. Even on a blog, with its pretense of anonymity, I hold back my darkest thoughts and most shocking opinions. I do the same in my journal. One day someone could read it and then what would they think of me!

I recently starting seeing a therapist, after an incident at work that made me so anxious I was briefly suicidal. I wouldn't classify her as immensely helpful - and in fact I think she was struggling not to fall asleep in the last few sessions, which makes me feel like I bore her. But even though it hasn't been perfect, I do think it helps to have an outlet where I can be frank. It helps me put my feelings into words and I think she helps me explore things without going off on too many tangents.

I told her that I'm not happy in my job but don't know what else to do. I'm thinking of taking an information systems class at the community college, hoping that it sparks an interest in another field. Maybe IT, maybe game design. I don't know. She gave me an exercise. She wants me to describe my ideal work day and then my ideal day off. There are no limits. It doesn't matter if I'm too old, too young, the wrong gender or even in the wrong century. I could go to another planet, go anywhere in space or time. The days can be any length that I want them to be. She said to ignore practicality while also being very specific about who/what/where.

I'm kind of excited about this activity. I've wanted to be a writer but I get bogged down by negative thoughts. I'm so worried about being perfect that I lose my creativity. But if I could do anything, go anywhere, with no limits . . . I still don't know where or what but I'm pretty sure that on my ideal day off there would be dragons. Lots of flying, pearlescent dragons. I hope that's the kind of answer she's looking for!


Mary said...

I don't think it matters what she's looking for -- it's all about you, right? Dragons sound awesome. Not for me, I'm scared stiff. But then, why let reality get in the way?

I like that exercise. It would be cool to see what different people we know came up with.

I didn't realize it was that bad at work recently. Ugh, no good.

PaigeE said...

If it's dragons you want then maybe game design or writing would work. I think you'd be good at anything. I can't say I know you THAT well but we Deardeuffs are pretty freaking awesome.

The Joe said...

nothing to say except I love you